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Thursday, March 8, 2012

sadess truth


Yesterday was my turn for my duties, I spent 20 minutes walking along the second floor walkway, but when I reached there was no one, I’m really too slow. I was depressed, If I exceeded the time I can just call anyone, but still I cant help but cry again.
My movements are 1 time slower than a normal person. It’s impossible to plan ahead of my time no matter how hard I try. And I spend too much time on daily routines This stuffs are not using just time
I really hate the daily duties, but for the sake of adapting to the group environment, this is something I can’t avoid. I always so slow, no matter how hard I try I’m always slower than the others.
“Please forgive me,I will endure all the pain and challenge…” God, please tell me. When will all this end? This always in the end makes me even weaker.
If my body can be more active, I will be more than happy But as I couldn’t control my movements well, I can only scold in my mind “I detest it!” But my mouth just couldn’t say it, and everyone just left.
Returning back to the room, I couldn’t help but burst out crying. I called my cousin , hope she can come over and visit me. Because I want her to know how hard working I am to survive. Cousin and I are childhood buddies; we always share the same bed. During the school vacation, we would go to each other’s house for vacation.
Today I fall again and hurt myself, and I cried again. I should be stronger. It could be due to the morning my actions are too rushed or my feelings too rushing. I tell myself to bring my leg forward but in the end it didn’t follow my commands. Thus, my body fell, I wanted to bring out my hand and blocked, but I can’t and bang….
Yar! When one day I  finally completely bed-ridden, I can lie at the bed and watch the sky.  Even though tears are falling out….” Yes!  That’s the feeling. I fell asleep for an hour, and woke up refresh and  I sat at the toilet bowl thinking the answer and finally concluded. I am getting slower than usual.
My mood was feeling really depressed that I don’t want to live up my head. My condition is getting worse… because mum’s white hair seems to start appearing more and more…
It is natural to see friends besides you .But for me.. I rather want to be alone, Is this a correct choice to choose where I am now? Sometimes watching kids playing… Really makes me feel scary and lost.

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